*update - i just feel so angry. i feel angry that experience was taken from us. i feel angry because i do have blame in my heart. i feel angry when people don't understand how i can have so much hate. i feel angry because i never got an apology. i feel angry for caring about that.
I just wanted to write something short about our puppy Axe. I want to remember everything about him, even though we had him for such a short time and lost him in a traumatic way.
He was the sweetest little buddy, he loved playing outside like all puppies do. He loved his noisy yellow duck and his brown hunting duck. He loved snuggles and naps and treats. He was even so good at his last vet checkup. He was so smart he was potty training so fast and was learning to sit, lay down, and stay. He threw up on his very first car ride home, but loved the car after that and whenever I was driving he would sit in the front seat or lay down with his toys and cuddle up on my hoodie.
Having him opened my heart in a totally new way. I never though I could feel all the love and happiness I did before we had him. He just had a little place in my heart and he always will. It's so crazy how a little creature like that who was only in our lives for barely a week can have such an impact on us. When that type of presence is gone you don't feel like you can live without it anymore.
A lot of the reason I never wanted to write this was because of what happened to him. It's hard to relive and difficult to put in words how bad it was. A small part of me just feels better to try and write it down. We got him on Friday night, and after just 5 days with our little buddy passed away on Nov 9th early in the morning. He got bit by an in-law's dog Wednesday night and his skull was fractured. His little mind was gone the moment it happened. We rushed him to our vet hospital. He was being really strong to keep breathing the entire time. Dallin drove and I held him. It's really hard to think about that night, he was bleeding on my sweater and I was yelling at Dallin to speed and run red lights or pass cars so we could get there faster. We decided to travel to SLC to see a second vet hospital and find out what they could do, the choices we had to make that night are just something that will stay with us forever. What if we did things differently, what the outcomes could have been. I don't have words to describe how it feels to hold a living creature that you love so much and watch their life leave them.
I don't know why it happened but I know a lot of things I could have done to prevent it and that's the worst part. Feeling helpless. Feeling guilty. Feeling incapable. Not knowing what choices or decision to make that whole night. Not being able to be with him when he was at the vets for hours. Knowing he experienced the worst type of pain. In the end nothing can bring him back or change the way things went. Right after it happened I read a lot of things about how to cope with a pet loss and what to do next. Really I was just searching for someone else who understands and can tell me that we're going to get through this or how to move forward and just not feel sad anymore. The most impactful thing I read was that dogs live in the moment. Our last day together before it all happened we had a lot of fun together. We went to Starbucks together and drove around a little bit. We played outside for hours and cuddled on the couch. I got him a new toy. He got to see Dallin come home from work and play with him. I know we gave him so much love for the time we had him. He was so perfect in every way.
I love you and I miss you buddy.
September 11th - November 9th 2017
"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress their beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together...."